


Welcome to the Mad House

by MyPurpleSkies



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: The Animated Series, Gotham (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Eventual Romance, F/M, Funny but has it's serious moments, Humor, Just another day at work, Parody, Post-Movie: The Dark Knight (2008), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25492783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyPurpleSkies/pseuds/MyPurpleSkies
Summary: She knew being the new nurse orderly at Arkham Asylum wasn't going to be easy, but when Amber meets the infamous inhabitants of the asylum it becomes nothing but absolute chaos! Filled with hilarious mayhem, schemes, refereeing the Gotham Rogues, and constantly dealing with the Joker's shenanigans; Amber finds herself in one ridiculous situation after another every time she sets foot through the asylum doors. "Welcome to the Mad House, Nurse Amber! We're gonna have so much fun with you!"
Relationships: Edward Nygma/Original Female Character(s), Harvey Dent/Pamela Isley, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel, Joker (DCU)/Original Female Character(s), Jonathan Crane/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Welcome to the Mad House

**Author's Note:**

> I started work on this story back when I was in high school and started to post it on fanfiction.net in 2011. It all started by me asking a simple question; "What would happen if my friends were put into Arkham Asylum as patients and met the Batman villains?" Using my closest friends as inspiration for their fictional counterparts I got to work and I've been working on it ever since. I hope I can provide you with the same laughter and enjoyment on this sight as I have for my readers on Fanfiction.net. 
> 
> (I do not own Batman or any of the Batman characters; but I do own Amber, Gatsby, Caleb and Tommy Tetch. The other characters, Katherine, Katlyn and Chelsea are friends of mine that have given me permission to use them shamelessly as characters in this story.)
> 
> [Song Suggestions for Chapter 1]  
> ~ 'Mad House' by Rihanna  
> ~ 'Disturbia' by Rihanna

### Chapter One

#### Welcome to the Mad House

##### September 1st, 2011

Amber nervously picked at her cuticles as she waited for the man on the other side of the desk to finish reviewing her file. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock, so he nearly caused her to flinch when he suddenly cleared his throat. She sat up in her chair, ready for him to begin speaking. All he did was turn a page. She slumped a bit in disappointment and continued waiting.

After a few more nerve-wracking seconds, he closed the file and looked at her. "Well, I believe I've seen enough,” he said with a sigh. Amber felt her stomach flop at his words. She'd really been hoping to get this job, not just because of the pay but because she'd felt she might could make a difference here. The man stood up from his desk and extended his hand out to her. "Welcome to Arkham Asylum, Miss Johnson. I look forward to working with you," he said.

Amber's mouth opened and closed a few times before she leapt up and grasped his hand, pumping it enthusiastically. "Thank you, Dr. Arkham! I hope to be of some help." She beamed at her new boss.

Dr. Arkham looked as if he were about to speak but paused when he looked directly at her eyes. His smile faltered for a moment. "Oh dear," he said aloud.

"What?" Amber asked.

"You have green eyes," he told her.

Amber wrinkled her brow. "What's wrong with me having green eyes?"

The doctor seemed to realize he was speaking aloud and abruptly changed gears. "Nothing! Nothing at all! Do forgive me, I was just – uh," He glanced at the clock, "Oh my, is that the time? I'm going to be late for a lunch meeting with the board." He began to gather papers and stuff them in a briefcase.

"So, uh," Amber said uncertainly, "When do I start?"

"You start tomorrow afternoon. I'll have an email sent to you providing more details." Amber nodded, thanked him again, and headed for the door. "Oh, and Miss Johnson?" She paused and looked back. "Good luck," he told her. Amber smiled and closed the door behind her. Dr. Arkham sighed. "You're gonna need it," he sing-songed.

#### The Next Day

##### September 2nd, 2011

In Arkham Asylum's cafeteria, two groups of patients sat at tables on opposite sides of the room. These two groups consisted of people who were well known not only in the asylum, but also in Gotham City. The other patients tried to sit as far away as possible from them because of the feud currently going on between the two leaders. A poll had been published in a popular magazine about which Rogue the citizens of Gotham thought was the most creative in his schemes. It ended up being a tie between the Clown Prince of Crime the Joker, and The Prince of Puzzles Edward Nigma, a. k. a. the Riddler. Because both men were extremely narcissistic, they weren’t happy about the tie. No. There could only be one winner.

Today, the patients were allowed to wear whatever they wanted, but had to have bright orange plastic wrist bands. It was a new idea of therapy that Dr. Jeremiah Arkham wanted to try out. He figured that by allowing them a bit of freedom in their choice of clothes, it might somehow bring about a sense of belonging for the patients. Most of the staff had disagreed but, in the end, Dr. Arkham had won. It didn’t go unnoticed by the whole staff that the Rogues chose clothes that were nearly identical to their iconic criminal outfits.

At the table closest to the cafeteria’s entrance, sat the Joker and his group. These were the other criminals who agreed that the Joker’s creativity surpassed Nigma’s, though they couldn’t recall actually agreeing to being on his ‘team’. The group consisted of the Joker’s on-and-off-again girlfriend and henchwench Harley Quinn, a henchman whom the Joker often employed in his crimes Tommy Tetch and his cousin Jervis Tetch, also known as the Mad Hatter. Oswald Cobblepot (aka the Penguin) was also roped in along with Waylon Jones (aka Killer Croc), and Arnold Wesker (aka the Ventriloquist) with his mobster dummy, Scarface. The Joker had had a hard time convincing them to join his 'team', but in the end they'd accepted; mostly because he was the most feared patient in Arkham.

As for Edward Nigma; his team consisted of those who agreed that, yes, he was a brilliant genius – maybe not as unpredictably creative as the Joker – but still creative. They also harbored a deep dislike of the clown. The Riddler’s henchwenches, Echo and Query sat on either side of Nigma, while Jonathan Crane (the Scarecrow), Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy), and Harvey Dent (Two-Face) took up the other seats at the table.

"Has he put down the fork yet?" Nigma asked, his cultured accent making the request sound more important than ridiculous.

Echo leaned out and looked over at the Joker's table across the cafeteria. The clown lounged in his seat, lazily twirling a fork in his hand – an item that the orderlies had no idea how he came to possess, nor where eager to be the one to try to take it away from him. "Negative," she replied. The Riddler clenched his teeth.

"It's just a fork. What can he possibly do with a fork?" Query asked.

Nigma looked at Query and started to twirl his cane. Oh, he'd had quite a time trying to get the staff to let him have it back in his hands, even after they made sure that it was disarmed, but thanks to Dr. Arkham’s new therapeutic techniques, he was finally granted access to it. "I've seen what he can do with a pencil, my dear. I can only imagine what he can do with a fork," he replied. Query raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Why don't we just go and kill 'em now and be done with it," Dent growled, his deformed lips curling into a snarl.

"Be my guest, but don't say I didn't warn you," Nigma said offhandedly. Dent looked over at the Joker's table, undecided. He grumbled as he flipped his coin. Looking at its outcome, he glared and stayed seated. The coin had spoken.

While Nigma and his posse observed the Joker’s table, the Joker and his team would occasionally glance over at them. The Joker continued to twirl the fork in his hand, keeping his back to the opposite side. "Jerry, has he put his cane down yet," he asked.

Jervis Tetch looked over his shoulder. "Never without it, sir," he responded.

The Joker clenched his yellow-stained teeth and looked over at the Riddler. "Drop. The. Cane!" he hiss-whispered and turned back around to face Harley. Unaware that the moment his back was to him, Nigma was also turning in his seat.

"Drop. The. Fork!" he hiss-whispered and faced his group again. "Either he puts the fork down soon or I need to come up with a better plan."

Both men angled their bodies in their seats to twist back around to look at each other at the same time and raised their hands in a half-wave with fake grins plastered on their faces. "Heeey," they said in unison. They began to turn their backs on each other, both saying, "I hate your guts," still with a smile on their scheming faces.

Cobblepot adjusted his eye monocle and sighed. "Joker, this waiting is getting very tiresome." He had little time for these antics. No doubt his lawyer was even now winning him an order of release and he'd be back in time to open his beloved nightclub, the Iceberg Lounge.

The Joker glared at him. "How is this 'tiresome'? You're doing nothing!" He flicked the fork away in disgust, grumbling at how lazy the man was.

Nigma saw this and leapt to his feet. "He dropped the fork! Attack!" he shouted, extending his cane out like a sword drawn for battle.

His group began to run across the room towards the surprisingly oblivious enemy. The Joker still sat with his back to the Riddler's team, so he couldn't see the mob of villains behind him. Sighed with boredom, he reached inside the inner pocket of his coat and brought out a pencil. The Riddler stopped dead in his tracks, his arms extending to stop the others. He was nearly barreled over in the process. "He's got a pencil! Withdraw!" he cried. They hastily ran back to their table and huddled together.

Ivy glared at him. "Why did we retreat?" she asked.

Nigma adjusted his green bowler hat with as much dignity as he could scrape up. "We were _not_ retreating. We were advancing…to a future victory," he explained.

"Really? Cause it looks to me like we 'advanced' _back_ a few feet," she hissed.

The Riddler pointed at her sternly. "Do not question my methods, Ivy!"

Ivy shrugged. "I just think we should advance _forward_."

The Riddler switched from pointing at Ivy to himself. "That's why _I'm_ the leader, and _you're_ not." Ivy clenched her teeth, folded her arms, and turned her back on him. Nigma also turned away from her and plopped down in his seat. "Stupid tree-hugger," he muttered under his breath.

"I'm getting tired of waiting," Crane complained.

"How can you be tired by waiting?" Query asked, frustrated.

"It's possible," Crane insisted.

"Oh, stuff it, Scarecrow," Echo snapped.

Over at the other table, Harley had taken it upon herself to massage the Joker's shoulders. Her Puddin’ needed something to relax those tense muscles of his. "He's just jealous of you, that's what," she said. "Jealous that he can't think to use everyday materials as weapons an' can only use a cane." Although…She glanced over at the Riddler. It was known that the Riddler's cane was more than just a prop in the man's hands, and no one knew the full extent of what it could do.

"Gotta admit, it’s a pretty nifty cane, though.” Harley felt the Joker's shoulders tense under her hands. He slowly turned his head to face her. She gave a nervous laugh. "But you’re so clever, Puddin’, what would you need with a gizmo like that,” she quickly added.

"Yeah, _Puddin'_ ," Scarface mocked.

The Joker grabbed his fork and pointed it at the puppet. "You want me to throw you into a tub of termites, cuz I will?" he threatened.

"Touchy," Scarface mumbled.

"We could throw rocks at them," Croc offered.

"Such a Neanderthal," Cobblepot sniffed.

The Joker rolled his eyes. "Really? Is that your answer to everything, Croc," he asked.

"Huh?"

"When Batman runs after you; you throw a rock at him. The police are on your trail; you throw a rock at them. A bird won't stop tweet-tweeting at your window; you throw a stone. What's your world domination plan, hm? Rain rocks down on the White House?"

"Aw, calm down, Puddin'. It's not Croc's fault that he doesn't have brains like you," Harley purred as she tickled the Joker's chin.

He slapped her hand away. Harley pouted and looked back at Nigma. He'd stood up with his back facing her and she ran an appraising eye over his physic. The scrub-like uniforms they usually were forced to wear wasn’t the most flattering style on everybody, especially for lean men like Nigma. _But with that green suit on…_ Harley cocked her head to the side. _Do he got the booty?_ Nigma bent over to do something that Harley couldn't have cared less about because her question had been answered. _He doooo!_

At some point the Joker had asked her a question and when no response came, he looked at her to find her gaze focused on the Riddler's gluts. He growled and glared intensely at her until she felt it. Her head snapped back in the Joker's direction. "Yours is cute too!" she blurted.

The Joker jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Why don't you go and join Mr. Puzzles since you admire him so much?" he asked sarcastically.

Harley straightened herself and looked unbothered. "Maybe I will."

"Fine," the Joker said.

"Fine!" Harley spat back.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

She began to march towards the Riddler's table but before she'd taken four steps, she glanced back at the Joker and her shoulders slumped. "I miss him already," she whimpered, but continued her trek towards the Riddler. She tapped him on the shoulder, and he smoothly swung around in his seat to properly look at her. She wiggled her fingers at him and smiled. "Hi," she greeted.

The Riddler cocked an eyebrow. "May I help you?"

"Uh…yeah, uh, can I join your team?"

At the other table, Scarface's wooden mouth hung open. "Your gal is actually switching sides!" he exclaimed.

" _Shhh._ Not so loud please," Arnold, the Ventriloquist, asked softly while adjusting his glasses.

"Don't _shush_ me, you little worm!" Scarface shouted. Arnold remained silent.

Cobblepot removed his eye monocle and proceeded to clean it. "Very sorry, Joker chap," he said.

"Shut up, fatty!" the Joker shouted. Cobblepot paused in his cleaning to give the clown a disapproving stare before continuing his task.

Echo and Query took one look at Harley and shook their heads 'no' while Dent nodded like a bobble head. Crane merely shrugged. Nigma looked over Harley and put a hand to his chin. "Hmmm," he sounded.

"Say 'no'," the Joker muttered as he watched.

"I thought you didn't care if she joined him?" Jervis Tetch asked curiously.

"I don't, but I'll be the laughingstock of Arkham if my gal switches sides!"

"I thought you wanted to make people laugh?"

"Not at _me_!"

Scarface chuckled. "You don't have much luck with girls, huh?"

The Joker stood up from his seat. "Shut it, Pinocchio!"

"Don't get yourself so worked up," Arnold advised as the Joker sat back down. The clown turned his head slightly to keep an eye on his enemy.

Nigma sighed. "Well, I have more than enough room for you to join." Harley let out a high-pitched squeal and wrapped her arms around his neck.

The Joker's body went completely still except for his thumb which bent his fork in half. Tommy Tetch stood up and saluted his Boss. "I'll get you another one, sir," he said quickly and started to run off.

"Bring me the whole box!" the Joker yelled. Tommy saluted again and kept running.

Cobblepot leaned forward towards Arnold and Scarface. "So, Mr. Scarface-," he began.

The Joker's head snapped around to face him, dark eyes blazing. "What did you just call me?"

Cobblepot jumped and spluttered, "What? No! I meant the puppet!"

Scarface's head spun around. "Who you callin' a puppet, bud," he demanded. Laughter from the other side of the room stopped the arguing. The Joker snapped his head in their direction and saw Harley in the middle of a full-blown laughing fit. The Joker's eye twitched and his hands balled into fists.

Tommy came back with a box of forks and held them out to him. "Here ya go, sir," he said happily.

The Joker grabbed a handful of forks so quickly it caused Tommy to drop the box, spilling the utensils on the floor. "Look what you did!"

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Pick them up!"

"Yes sir, right away sir!" Tommy dropped to his knees and began to pick up the forks. When he picked them up, he stood to his feet and smiled.

"You missed a spot," a female's voice said. 

Tommy looked to his right to see a young woman crouched beside him, holding the remaining fork in her hand. He knew her well enough from shared therapy groups and the occasional gym time. He gratefully took the fork from her. "Thanks, Katherine."

"No problemo," Katherine replied and stood to her feet. Being six feet tall, she was able to look him directly in the eyes. She had pale skin that made her blue-grey eyes stand out and dark brown hair stopping exactly where her shoulders began. The Joker raised his eyebrows when he saw her and pushed back his faded green hair. "Well hellooo, beautiful," he greeted.

Katherine fixed an icy glare at him. "Are you just asking for me to kill you, clown boy," she hissed.

The Joker grinned and gave a short laugh. "That's rich."

Jervis, the Mad Hatter, pointed at Katherine. "I say, aren't you the sister of that patient who panics every time he hears the word 'bat'? What's his name?"

"Caleb. Yeah, I use to torture him when I was little by using a toy bat. It didn't exactly turn out how I thought." She sat down on the seat next to the Joker. "So, you can imagine how I feel, knowing that there's a guy dressed up as a bat out there."

"Guilty?" Arnold asked.

Katherine gave a confused look. "What? No! I'm laughing my head off! I think it's funny."

The Joker raised an eyebrow and slid next to her. "Funny, huh?" he asked with a smile. Katherine lifted her eyebrow as well when he put an arm around her shoulder.

"Yeeeaaaah…," She shoved his arm off with obvious disgust. "Not even going there," she told him. He frowned when she turned away from him.

"So what are ya in for, toots?" Scarface asked.

"Just some misunderstanding about terrorizing two radio talk show hosts who didn't play the music I wanted. I've been told I have a no control over my impulses to lash out when people annoy me. I ask you, is that a crime?" Tommy shook his head. "Thank you," Katherine said with a smile.

###### 

Harley tried not to stare but it was hard not to when her Puddin' was hitting on some brunette! "Harl, are you okay," Ivy asked her best friend.

"I'm fine, Red."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Then stop grinding your teeth and glaring like that! You're scaring the other patients!"

###### 

Katherine looked across the room to see the other team and her blue-grey eyes widened. "Hold up. Is that the Riddler?"

"Yes," the Joker grumbled.

"Oh my gosh, I love him! He is so funny!"

The Joker stiffened at her words then gave a small chuckle. "Uh, funny? No, no, no, no. You must have him confused with me."

"No, I know you. You're the Joker, although I don't know how you got that name since you're about as funny as a dead parrot."

The Joker's jaw dropped. Tommy held out a fork to him. "Do you want this, boss?" he asked.

The Joker licked his lips and forced a smile to appear. "No, Tommy Boy, that won't be necessary," he said through clenched teeth. But Katherine seemed bound and determined to get on his bad side.

"What kind of a criminal calls himself 'The Clown Prince of Crime'? That's just idiotic! And you wear make-up!'"

"It's war paint!"

"It's make-up no matter what you say. The Riddler doesn’t wear ‘war paint’. He doesn’t need to. He’s like, the best villain ever!”

The Joker slammed a purple gloved fist onto the table. "I've had enough of this!" he shouted and stood up. He grabbed Katherine by the arm and began to march to the Riddler's table.

Harley smiled smugly as he approached. "Miss me already?" she asked.

The Joker ignored her remark and kept his eyes on the enemy. "I propose a trade," he suggested.

"I second that," Katherine said. She didn't know exactly who she'd be traded with, but if she ended up on the Riddler's side she had nothing to complain about.

"I second that too!" Harley squealed.

"Don't you mean third?" Katherine scoffed and muttered, "Dumb blond."

Harley smirked and leaned back in her seat. "You think I'm some dumb, blond, bimbo; well ha ha! The joke's on you! I'm not even a real blond."

The Riddler gasped in shock. "You're not a real blond?"

"No."

Nigma turned to the Joker. "I agree to the trade," he announced. As soon as the Joker released Katherine, she ran over to the Riddler and wrapped her arms around his neck while rubbing her face against his cheek.

Harley started to skip back to her Mistah J, but he held up a hand. " _Ah-ta-ta-ta-tah_ ; no," the Joker said.

Harley looked at the Joker with a perplexed expression on her face. "But, Puddin', –,” she began until he cut her off.

"You are a traitor and there’s no r _ooooo_ m for traitors on my team."

"But you said 'trade'."

"I didn't say I wanted to trade for _you_ , did I?"

Harley's mouth dropped open. The Riddler pushed Katherine's face away. "Who do you want then?"

The Joker pointed at Query. "Are you Echo or Query?"

Query batted her eyelashes. "Which one do you want me to be?" she asked.

"Hey," Nigma barked and jerked her over to his side.

The Joker sighed. "Okay, fine." He scanned the faces at the table. "You," he said, pointing at a short African American girl with short black hair and freckles on her cheeks. She’d been minding her own business, quietly eating her lunch at the far end of the table. In fact, she'd been so quiet that the group hadn't even noticed her sitting at the table with them.

She gave a start and looked around to make sure he was addressing her. "Me?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yes, you; the one I'm looking at and talking to. What's your name?" he snapped.

"Ch – Chelsea."

"Well, Ch – Chelsea, I pick you. You're on my team."

Chelsea shot up from her seat, lunch completely forgotten, and threw her hands above her head. "Woohoo! Yes!" She fist-pumped the air and ran over, pushing Ivy aside and jumped next to the Joker. She gripped his hand and shook it energetically. "Thank you, thank you! I am a _big_ fan!"

The Joker smirked at Nigma. "Well, I have a _fan_ ," he bragged.

The Riddler grinned back and patted Katherine's head. "So do I."

The smirk vanished from the clown's face. "Come on," he ordered Chelsea.

As they walked off, Harvey leaned over towards Nigma. "Um, was she even on our team?"

Nigma shrugged. "Heck if I should know, I didn't even see her sitting there."

###### 

"Everyone, this is Chelsea; say 'hi'."

"Hello Chelsea," the group chorused.

"Hey," she greeted back.

"So, what are ya in for, small fry?" Scarface asked.

"Well, I guess you could say that I'm _very_ obsessive. When I fixate on something, there’s no stopping me from becoming completely engrossed in whatever it is. The last guy I obsessed over went insane. Now I'm obsessed with someone else."

"Who?" Chelsea gave a big grin and looked up adoringly at the Joker. "You sure know how to pick 'em!" Scarface hooted. The Joker glared murderously at the puppet. Scarface's mouth snapped shut.

###### 

Katherine ran her fingers through the Riddler's red hair. Something that Nigma had always thought would he’d dislike but found it very soothing. "I've been dying to ask you, Mr. Riddler…are you a natural red-head?"

"Of course, I'm a natural red-head."

Katherine gave Ivy a sidelong glance. "I bet she isn't a real red-head," she whispered to him.

He chuckled and sighed as he leaned back against a wall. "Well, at least I'm a natural…unlike _some_ ," he emphasized as he looked at Harley.

Harley stuck out her tongue and turned her back on them. She sighed and faced Ivy. "Gee Red, I'm starting to think that switching sides wasn't the best idea."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Listen Harl, you did good. You left that purple-clad pig."

"He's not a pig; he's a clown."

"You're missing the point."

"I am?"

"You stood up for yourself and came to the right side. Sure, it may be led by an overly pompous leprechaun in a green suit –," the Riddler threw her a glare, "but it's still the right side," Ivy finished.

"I don't know Red," Harley sighed unhappily.

"Oh, forget it; you're hopeless!"

Katherine gazed at the green bowler hat that sat atop Nigma's head. "Can I wear your hat?"

He gave her a charming smile. "Why not," he said, removing it with a fancy flourish which Dent could tell was totally so he could show off his skills for her, and plopped it on her head.

"Yea!" she squealed. "This is the happiest day of my mentally unstable life!"

Meanwhile, the Joker and his team were gathered around their table plotting…well…trying to plot. "Can I wear your coat, Mr. Joker?" Chelsea asked.

"No," he snapped and tried to carry on his scheming with his fellow criminals.

"But Katherine got to wear the Riddler's hat."

"Am I the Riddler? No! Do I have a hat? No. I have a coat and the coat stays on me. 'kay?" He gave Chelsea a pat on the cheek and grinned, turning back to the others. Chelsea was motionless for a moment before she tried to snatch the coat off him. "Hey!" the Joker barked. He grabbed her hands and pushed them away. "What did I just tell you?"

"No."

"And what does that mean?"

"It means 'yes'."

"What! Where did you get that idea?"

"It's Opposite Day! 'No' means 'yes'!"

The Joker stared at her, slack jawed. "What planet are you from?"

"My own," Chelsea answered calmly.

The Joker's eye twitched along with the skin near his nose as he stared down at Chelsea. "…SWITCH!" the Joker shouted, running back to the other table with Chelsea in tow.

The Riddler looked at him lazily and glanced at his team. "Nope. I'm good with what I've got," he said.

The Joker clenched his teeth. "Do you realize what I'm going through, Riddler? This girl is – is…" He looked down at her. She gazed up at him with big brown eyes as she clutched his arm and nuzzled her head against his forearm. That's when he realized how small she was compared to him. Chelsea didn't even come up to his shoulder. _Great…I'm being harassed by a mouse._ He returned his attention back to Nigma. "Take her off my hands!"

The Riddler shook his head. "Dreadfully sorry, but I would be very much aggrieved if I lost a member of my team now."

The Joker glared at him and them at Harley. "This is all your fault," he said and turned on his heel, stalking back to his table. Chelsea was practically dragged all the way since she was unable to keep up with his pace.

"So, no luck, eh?" Scarface asked.

The Joker rolled his eyes and stopped when his gaze landed on a young woman who had just entered the cafeteria. She wore white scrubs and white converse shoes. A name tag was pinned to her uniform, but he couldn't make out the letters. She had her long brown hair in a ponytail and an invisible sign above her head that said, "I'M NEW!"

"Ah, fresh meat, boys," he snickered to the other patients.

Their heads turned in the new nurse's direction and watched as she moved to a spot that had a good view of the entire cafeteria and leaned against a wall. The Joker rubbed his hands together with glee. "This is going to be fun," he said excitedly.

"Down, boy," Scarface cautioned with a slight chuckle. "Remember what happened with the last new nurse you tried to harass?"

"How was I supposed to know she had a tazer? She wasn't even supposed to have one in the first place!"

"This one does not look like the sort to have a weapon concealed on her," Cobblepot said, observing her through his eye monocle. Of course, his observation only made the Joker even more excited.

"Aaaw, poor thing," he pouted. "Nothing to defend herself with against the Clown Prince of Crime." He stood up from the table and felt the air leave his lungs when a force encircled his abdomen. He looked down to see Chelsea's arms wrapped around him tightly like a boa constrictor.

"What if she does have a weapon on her? What if she hurts you – or worse! What if she messes up your amazing coat?"

The Joker patted her awkwardly on the head. "I'm touched by your concern but harassing a new Arkham employee is my job. It's my little way of welcoming them." He pried the girl's arms off and stumbled away. He quickly regained his balance and stood tall. "Croc, hold her back! If she tries to escape –,"

"Hit her with a rock?" Croc asked hopefully.

The Joker sighed and nodded. "Yes, but let it be a small rock, we don't want a mess like last time." He blew Chelsea a teasing kiss and skipped his way over to the young woman leaning against the wall.

He eased over until he was leaning on the wall right beside her without her noticing. "Sooo, you're the newbie, eh?" he said loud enough to get her attention.

The nurse flinched at the suddenness of a voice so close by and turned to face him. She drew in a breath, eyes widening. The Joker glanced down at her name tag first – Amber – then looked up to meet her eyes. A big grin spread along his scarred mouth when he noticed the color. _Green!_ He let out a high-pitched laugh. "Welcome to the Mad House, Nurse Amber! We're gonna have so much fun with you!"

###### 

Nurse Amber backed away from the laughing maniac. "Oh, _heck_ no," she said firmly. Her first day on the job and she was already being the victim of the _Joker’s_ unwanted attention. firmly.

"Oooh, do I detect a little bit of nervousness from you?"

"Back off!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll, uh, I'll – I'll tazer you!"

The Joker hesitated for a moment only. He glanced at her hands. She wasn't reaching for a concealed weapon, so that was a tell-tale sign she had no weapon. He grinned wickedly. "Liar."

Amber bit her bottom lip. _Crap! The clown can read minds! Can he smell fear too? Please no! Please no!_

"Are those contact lenses?"

Amber's panicking thoughts were interrupted. She wrinkled her brow at the question. "Huh?"

He took a step closer to Amber and she took a step back. The Joker tapped the corner of his eye. "Are your eyes really that color or are they contact lenses?" he asked, still grinning. He took another step towards her and she retreated once more.

"Why do you want to know?"

He shrugged; hands spread in a harmless gesture that Amber didn’t buy for a second. "I'm a curious guy." Glancing over Amber's shoulder, his grin widened to reveal his slightly yellow but perfectly straight teeth. "You might want to stop backing up," he suggested.

"What? Wha-ah!" Amber stepped on spilt ice cubes and went tumbling backwards. She bumped into a trashcan, the motion sent her legs up into the air and she fell into the can. Laughter erupted throughout the entire cafeteria at the sight of Amber's legs sticking out of the container. She began to kick her legs around, hoping to tip the can over so she could wiggle out and get the darn thing off of her. "You're in big trouble mister!" she shouted.

Amber succeeded in tipping over, but _someone_ decided it would be funny to roll the new nurse in the trash can across the cafeteria floor, out of the room and release her to continue rolling down the hall. _"Aaaaaaaah!"_ She came to a sudden halt when the can rammed into the wall at the end of the hall. Easing out on her hands and knees, she slowly backed out and paused when her view was no longer obstructed by the garbage bin.

Dr. Arkham stood frozen in place, clip board in hand and in mid-scan of his notes. He’d been interrupted by the sight of a black trash can rolling down the hall with two legs spinning around inside of it. Now he was watching Amber crawl out with a shocked and confused look on his face.

Amber slowly eased out of the can and sat on the back of her calves without taking her eyes off him. She gave him a curt nod, which caused a large salad leaf to fall from her head. "Dr. Arkham," she acknowledged.

He tilted his head back. "Nurse Amber… I see you found your way to the cafeteria."

Amber flicked a slice of tomato off her shoulder. "Yes indeed."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this cause there's more where that came from! Until next time, Dear Readers...


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